Peter Reborn
by Flokiyo
Summary: PLEASE REVIEW!Peter has a near death experience, and learns he should try and help other people. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

Family Guy: Peter reborn

Chapter One:

Starts off with Peter dancing in the middle of the living room. And the family is watching him while they're sitting on the couch.

Peter: laughing

Lois: Oh my Peter, did you smoke our secret stash again?

Peter: Lois, Lois, Lois, Lois, sh. I hear voices. Do you hear them? They, they want… oh my god. They want my lucky charms. Starts laughing again and falls on the floor

Stewie: Oh my, the fat man fell. Hahaha. Obesity is quite humorous isn't it?

Brian: I think he over-dosed.

Shows an ambulance speeding down the road with Peter inside it. Screen goes to Peter lying in the hospital bed with a body cast on.

Brian: Why do you have a body cast on if you over-dosed?

Peter: mumbles

Lois: We can't understand you Peter because of the body cast.

Peter: mumbles again then laugh's

Doctor: He woke up on the way to the hospital, and fell out of the moving ambulance.

Lois: Oh my god, is he going to be okay? Looks really worried

Doctor: Yes he is. It's going to take a while for his bones to heal. But while we wait, can you play a game with me?

Lois: Looks puzzled Umm, sure. What game do you want to play?

Doctor: Sounds excited The Waiting Game. Haha. Burn baby, burn.

Chris: laughs I don't get it.

Meg: The Waiting Game isn't a real game, it's only a phrase people use to describe a length of time between an amount of time. Moron.

Stewie: Laughs that was more funnier than that joke Peter told to the nuns of the church.

Flashback: Peter at the front on the pew in front of a bunch of old nuns

Peter: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Nuns: Look puzzled

Peter: To have pre-marital sex with the rooster.

Nuns: Look at Peter with angry eyes

Peter: To have pre-marital sex. Pause with the rooster.

Nuns: Get up and beat Peter with rulers

Flashback ends

Lois: So, doctor, how long is it going to take for Peter to heal?

Doctor: Without a montage, it'll take about two years. With a montage, it'll take the length of the song.

Lois: I'll take the montage please.

Doctor: Walks over to a record collection Here are your options. Michael Jackson's record, I swear I never touched her. R. Kelly's record, I swear I never touched her, or Mike Tyson's record, I swear I never touched her.

Lois: Do you have anything by Kiss?

Doctor: I do, but listening to Kiss would take more time than without the montage. I hate Kiss.

Lois: Looks a bit angry Fine, put on Michael Jackson.

Doctor: Walks over and puts a CD on a record player, Thriller by Michael Jackson starts playing

The Griffin's start doing the Thriller dance, and the doctor joins in. Shows Stewie dancing in an ally, and then loses his nose. Then he's running around and his hair catches fire. He then runs right into a garbage can, and for some reason grabs his groin. Montage is over

Screen shows Lois sitting on the couch watching Desperate Housewives. Shows what's happening on the show.

Susan: falls into a cake

Gabrielle: takes her clothes off, but you can't see any nudity

Bree: takes the clothes Gabrielle took off, and starts sewing it

Lynette: kicks a soccer ball through the window

Then all four of them hug each other and laugh, then start crying

Peter walks through the door of the Griffin's house

Lois: gets up and runs to Peter to give him a hug Oh Peter, I'm so glad to see you're okay.

Peter: with a smile on his face I'm better than okay, I'm good. And starting today, you're going to see a bigger, and better Peter.

Stewie walks into the room

Stewie: Did I just hear you correctly? You're going to be a "bigger" Peter? HA!

Chris walks in

Chris: Dad, I'm glad to see you're home again. The evil monkey in my closet was running the household. He was carving objects into my back! Chris lifts his shirt, and there are a bunch of banana shaped scars all over his back

Peter: Looks at Chris There isn't any evil monkey Chris. But, those are some really good carvings of penises that you put on your back.

Peter: looks at Lois and whispers since when was Chris gay? Do I need to get an exorcist on him?

Shows what would happen if an exorcist comes for Chris

Chris is sitting down watching T.V when there is a knock at the door. He gets up and answers the door

Exorcist: Hi. I'm the exorcist. BOO! HAHA. Just kidding. I am Richard Simmons. Jumps up and down the power of Christ compels you, the power of Christ compels you.

Chris: screams and starts crying. Then the evil monkey comes and kills Richard Simmons with a chainsaw, then points at Chris with the evil look. Chris screams

The End of Chapter One

Word from the creator of this particular story:

I do not own anything that was mentioned in this story. So don't even think about suing me. Also, please comment me on this story, and I will have Chapter two complete by next week. Thank you!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Shows Peter, Lois, Chris, and Stewie on an airplane and we find out that they are heading to Africa

Peter: screams Here we come Africa!

Lois: It's so nice for you to bring us to Africa. What part did you say we were going to?

Peter: Ethiopia.

Lois: looks shocked and angry

Chris: At least there are no monkeys in Africa. Looks around airplane There are no evil monkeys in Africa, are there?

Stewie: You indiscreet ignoramus. You're even stupider than that movie starring Adam Sandler.

Shows clip of movie. Adam Sandler is in a blue tuxedo standing in a hallway. He is talking to a big-breasted woman standing in her doorway. He is talking like Bobby Boucher from the Waterboy

Adam: Hi, my name is Barry Egan, and I like your tatas.

Woman: Why thank you. Aren't you cute?

Adam: Why, yes I am. I am Punch Drunk Love for you.

Woman: Awww. Come in and have sex with me.

Adam: whistles

Clip of movie is over. Goes back inside the airplane

Lois: We're going to Ethiopia? Do you know what Ethiopia is like?

Peter: Yes I do. It's full of homeless people and a fat Sally Struthers.

Shows Sally Struthers formed as the shape of Jabba the Hut from Star Wars eating a giant bag of cookies surrounded by brown colored skeletons

Ethiopian: click click hock tee rahbah! Translation reads at the bottom of screen: Tonight we will kill her

Clip ends and goes back to airplane

Lois: Why are we going to Ethiopia Peter?

Peter: Because I want to help out the people there by giving them things they don't have.

Brian: Like what?

Peter: Holy crap! I forgot to bring stuff. Oh well. We can still enjoy our time there.

Chris: Hey, where's Meg?

Shows Meg snooping in Chris's room, and she opens up the closet. The evil monkey sees her, and starts laughing at her due to her looks. Meg screams. Clip ends, and goes to African airport, which is only a small dirt path

Peter: looks shocked and angry Where are all the building's at?

Lois: This is Africa, it doesn't have big buildings like the USA. The only place that has big buildings besides USA is our neighbor to the North.

Peter: You mean Mexico?

Lois: No Peter. Canada.

Peter: What about those tree hugging, maple syrup loving, hockey playing, winter making, eh saying bastards?

Chris: I learned in history class that Canada beat us in the war of 1812.

Peter: Oh yeah. My great, great granduncle Andre Griffin was in that war.

Flashback two the war of 1812 to Andre Griffin fighting in the war

Andre: Die you damn American bastards, die!

Americans: Damn Canadian. Die Griffin. shoots gun at Andre

Andre: dies

Flashback end

Peter: Hey. According to the creator of this show, I'm Canadian. Oh my God! Eh? laughs

Lois: That doesn't matter right now, we're stranded in Africa for two weeks. What are we going to do?

Does a close up on everybody's face, then a close up of the evil monkey's face, and he's laughing so hard at Meg's face

Writer's Note:

I do not own anything in this Chapter either. So hah.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Shows the Griffin's walking into this small little town. Then they all find a couch in the middle of an open area, and sit down on it

Peter: My feet are killing me.

Brian: My dogs are barking.

Lois: I'm exhausted.

Stewie: I'm more tired than that time I had to climb Mt. Everest.

Flashback to Stewie climbing Mt. Everest and reaching the top

Stewie: I'd like to thank the United States army for hiring this helicopter to put me at the top. I wouldn't have been able to do this without you.

Helicopter goes to pick him up, but knocks him off, and he falls and screams for ten seconds then sneezes, and falls for another five seconds. Flashback ends

Chris: It's a good thing we found this couch laying here in the middle of this deserted area.

Crumbs fall on the head of the Griffin's, and they look up to see they're sitting on the belly of Sally Struthers. The Griffin's run away screaming. Then Sally Struthers gets sad

Shows the Griffins walking through a jungle with torn clothing

Stewie: with a full saggy diaper I can't go on for much longer. I think I'm going to die before that vile woman will.

Chris: I'm just happy I can get away from the evil monkey in my closet.

Chris gets surrounded by a large group of evil monkeys. Does close up of each monkey's face, and one monkey is Star Jones

Peter: Star Jones from the View? What are you doing here?

Star: I dunno. What are you doing here?

Lois: We're stranded.

Star: Oh. Here is money. Buy a plane ticket home.

Throws money at Lois, and Lois jumps like Super Mario to get it, and everything is in 2-D like the original Mario for Nintendo, and she grabs the coin. Then it goes back to it's original look. Then Mario comes out of nowhere

Mario: What you doing? You think you can be like a me?

Peter: Oh, sorry Super Mario. It won't happen again. I promise. Scouts honor.

Mario: Good, you a son of a bitch.

Mario runs off into the jungle

Lois: Thank you so much Star Jones. Is there anything we can do for you?

Star: Yes. Perhaps when you get back to god's country, the good old USA, could you kill Barbara Walters for me? That bitch thinks she owns all us.

Chris: You mean she thinks she owns everybody on the show?

Star: No. She thinks she owns all black people.

Peter, Lois, Chris, and Stewie: laugh at the joke

Star: I wasn't kidding.

Cuts into scene where the Griffins are back at home sitting on the chair watching the local news

Diane: It was a sad sight to see today when fire fighters of Quahog tried to put out the tire fire in Springfield earlier, but unfortunately were unsuccessful. Tom?

Tom: In other news Star Jones is in jail for murdering Barbara Walters earlier today. She is out on bail because she threatened to eat the judge.

Peter: laugh's I guess she got what was coming to her.

Everybody laugh's

Lois: Oh Peter.

Stewie: Hahaha. That joke is funnier than that time I went to see Chris Rock do stand up comedy.

Flashback: Stewie is at a Chris Rock stand up comedy gig

Chris Rock: Don't you hate the way white people drive compared to black people? White people are all cramped up, and have their eyes focused on the road. Black people are laid back, relaxed, and they have their eyes on the women.

Stewie: laugh's hysterically That's funnier than that joke I heard by Tom Arnold.

Another Flashback: Stewie is standing in front of Tom Arnold while in a park

Tom Arnold: What's the difference between a black guy, and a white guy?

Stewie: What?

Tom Arnold: The color of their skin.

Flashback ends: Goes to Stewie sitting in the audience at the Chris Rock show

Stewie: Hmm.

Flashback ends: Goes back to the living room couch

Peter: Dude, where's my daughter? start's laughing Seriously though, where's Meg?

Shows Meg laughing the exact same way she was earlier in the closet

End of chapter3

Writer's note: I don't own anything in this chapter either, just the comedy. That is it. Sorry if I offended anybody, but… it's Family Guy.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. But for Meg, it was the worst of times. Meg was in the closet acting like a lunatic until Chris opened the closet door to get another blue t-shirt out of the closet. That's when he discovered a crazy Meg.

Chris: shocked Oh my god. I have a red t-shirt in here. Here Bart. Gives the red t-shirt to Bart Simpson. Bart then puts it on, and climbs out the window

Chris: Oh my god. Meg, what are you doing in my closet? I think it's time you become like one hundred percent of the Caroline in the City viewers, and come out of the closet.

Meg: Can't. Monkey. Angry.

Chris: You saw the evil monkey? Where is he at now?

Meg: Hiding. Planning. Eat.

Chris: He's hiding, and planning on eating you?

Meg: Turkey.

Chris: Hey, nobody calls me a turkey. Oh wait. He's eating turkey?

Meg: Yes. Chris. Oh my god. Chris. Where am I?

Chris: Ummm, you're in my closet because of the evil monkey.

Meg: Oh. I'm not afraid of him anymore. He only thinks… oh. He thinks I'm ugly. She runs into her room and cries because even a monkey finds her ugly

Chris: Talks to himself I feel bad now. Walks over to bed, and sits down at the foot I want to try and do something for Meg. She is so upset. I know. Dad can help her because he has a new look on life.

Screen cuts to Peter sitting on the couch watching Jeopardy. Shows what's happening on Jeopardy

Alex Trebek: This form of gas is released by using your sphincter.

Contestant #1: farts

Alex: Sorry, you didn't put it in a question form. The correct way to put it is, what is farts

Screen goes back to Peter on the couch. Chris walks up to Peter

Chris: Dad. Can you help me with something?

Peter: Sure son. What is it you want help with?

Chris: Well…

Peter: interrupts Anything you want.

Chris: I want…

Peter: interrupts again Anything!

Chris: I wanted to help Meg out. She is so upset because she thinks she is ugly. I know she's ugly, but she still has feelings. I learned that at school.

Flashback: Chris is at school and the teacher is talking. Teacher has a projector snapping to different animals

Teacher: presses button. Picture is a walrus Does this animal have feelings?

Class: Yes Mrs. Keeping.

Teacher: presses button. Picture is an elephant Does this animal have feelings?

Class: Yes Mrs. Keepings.

Teacher: presses button. Picture is Meg Does this animal have feelings?

Class: Yes Mrs. Keepings.

Teacher: presses button. Picture is Christina Aguillera Does this animal have feelings?

Class: No Mrs. Keepings.

Teacher: Correct students, you all get lollipops.

Flashback ends. Shows Peter and Chris talking to each other on the couch

Peter: I dunno Chris. What do I have to do?

Chris: I dunno. You said you were going to dedicate your life to helping others. I figured since Meg is something or other, than you would help her. Maybe you could have a father to daughter talk with her.

Peter: That's a great idea. I know exactly what I'll do.

Cuts to scene. Meg is lying down on her bed, with her face in her pillow. Peter crashes through the door

Peter: Is there a Meg Griffin here?

Meg: looks at Peter What do you want?

Peter: Come with me. I can make you feel a lot better about yourself.

Meg: Fine. If I have to.

Cuts to Meg and Peter standing on top of the earth. Peter starts singing

Peter:

There are some things in life

That aren't up to the wife.

This is one of those things.

You think you're not cute,

But you don't know the truth

And that is why I'll sing.

You have a lot of good stuff

To say about you, so don't huff.

You'll be happy with a guy.

Time is what you need

And that is what you'll feed

For that's the meaning of life.

If you don't believe me

Then will you please retrieve me

My beer and slippers too

Because if you don't want to hear me

Then I want you to beer me

And yes, you belong in the zoo

But some guy will see past that

He'll want to be with you, brat,

And then you'll be happy

And if it doesn't happen

Then my lips are now flappin'

And then you can blame your pappy.

Song ends, and shows Peter sitting on the bed next to Meg

Peter: Did that help honey?

Meg: Yeah. I think it did. Thanks dad hugs Peter

Peter: Ah. Don't touch me. I mean… your welcome sweetheart.

Meg: Where's my hat?

Shows Alaska

Eskimo #1: Hey. What is this? A pink hat?

Eskimo #2: Can we eat it?

Eskimo #1: I don't know. But we can catch squirrels with it and eat them.

Eskimo #2: Alright! high fives Eskimo #1

Clip ends

End of chapter 4

Writers note: I'm sorry to all Alaskans who read this. I don't think of you this way, it's just the stereotype you have. Also, I do not own anything in this chapter accept the comedy.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Lois is taking Meg to the mall to get her a new hat, and Peter is taking Chris to the Moon. We later find out that the Moon is an arcade. Peter and Lois are in different cars. Stewie and Brian are at home. Brian is babysitting Stewie

Stewie: Dog. Come here dog. Give me a graham cracker.

Brian: No. You don't deserve a graham cracker. You deserve a punch in the face.

Stewie: Well, I'd like to see you try. I'll sneak up on you and snap your neck.

Brian: Aren't you forgetting something?

Stewie: Hmm, let me see. Sneak attack, snap your neck, graham cracker, I don't think so.

Brian: I have a very keen nose. I can smell your attack, and I can turn around and punch you in the face when you're not expecting it.

Stewie: Vengeance will be mine!

Cuts to scene of Peter and Chris at the Moon arcade

Chris: Oh my god. I can't believe I'm at the Moon. This is more fun than that time I tried skateboarding.

Flashback: Chris is on a half pipe, standing there getting ready to jump. When he gets on the board, the board then cracks in half. Chris gets upset because of his weight, and then starts to cry. He sits on the edge of the half pipe, and somebody does a stall on his head. Flashback Ends

Peter: playing Whack-a-Penis This is awesome. I need to get one of these for Lois.

Chris: You mean the penis, or the mallet?

Peter: Ummm… ummm… hey, what's that? Points to a slide

Chris: I am already aware that it is a slide. You do not need to try and impress my intellectuality. However, I will look for the possibility of something being there that is more unusual, in which case I will remain mystified. Looks at the slide, and turns around to looks at Peter. Peter is gone

Chris: Ah. I see I have ruined a good thing once again. I guess if I remain an oaf, I will be the loveable but feebleminded imbecile. Starts to walk over to the slide, climb up the ladder, and then go down the slide

Chris: Huh? How did I get down here?

Cuts into scene of Meg and Lois at the mall. Meg sees Jeff (the nudist), and they start talking

Meg: Hi Jeff! What's that?

Jeff: Oh, I bought a wiener dog at the pet store? I named him Johnson. Do you want to stroke my Johnson?

Meg: I'd love to.

Lois: interrupts before Meg touches the dog NO SHE DOESN'T!

Meg: Mom! What are you doing? You know I love furry animals. That's why I joined the animal lovers group.

Flashback: Meg is in a church getting ready to marry a bulldog

Priest: Do you, Meg Griffin take this pooch to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Meg: I do.

Priest: Moe, do you take this dull girl to be your lawfully wedded bitch?

Bulldog: Woof, woof. Looks at Meg then growls, and raises his eyebrows Grrrrr. Shows Dr. Dolittle coming out from behind a bush, and explains what the dog said

Dr. Dolittle: He's got gas. Everybody back up. He's going to explode. Oh wait. That was grrrrr with five r's. Awww. He said yes! And he also can't wait to get her in the sack.

Flashback ends

Jeff: It's all right Meg. I understand what's going on here. I should get going. Starts to walk away slowly until he drops his dog. He then bends over to pick it up and inadvertently showed Meg and Lois his brown eye.

Meg:sighs, and thinks of the possibility that her and Jeff could become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Lois:throws up

Cuts to scene with Lois and Meg in the hat store looking at new possibilities

Meg: You know what mom, out of all the adventures we've been threw, I always wore the same hat. I think it's time for a change.

Lois: Honey, I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. But since you brought it up, how about we get you a boob job too?

Meg: Mom! What are you talking about? I don't want a boob job. I'm happy with what I have. Aren't you proud of me for that?

Lois:sighs I guess so. Ohh, Meg, look at this hat! It says Ms. Thang.

Meg: No. Ohhh… look at this one! pulls out the same exact hat she already owned

Lois: Meg, I thought you wanted change dear.

Meg: I do. And this is a change. The other one was 100 polyester. This one is 100 cotton.

Lois: Alright dear, if it's what you want.

End of Chapter 5

Writers note: I don't own anything in this story so if you're even thinking about suing me, then go fck yourself you son of a ccksckr who the fck do you think you fckng are you s! Enjoy Chapter 6


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Peter is still running away from the arcade, making it so Chris has to find his own way home. Peter is running, and looking back then starts laughing. He then runs into the giant chicken. They start fighting

Peter: (Gets up, and punches the chicken in the face)

Chicken: (Stumbles backwards, and runs head first into Peter's stomach)

Peter: (Grabs onto the chickens head, and starts punching him in the head over and over and over, until a car comes along and hits them. Both of them are standing on the roof of the car)

Chicken: (Pecks at Peter's face)

Peter: (Takes out mace and sprays in the chicken's eyes)

Chicken: (Holds his eyes in pain, and screams like a chicken. He then falls off the car)

Peter: (Lands on the chicken, and the screen does a zoom out. It shows us they are fighting at an airport)

(The chicken and Peter then fight inside the building. They both stop long enough to buy a plane ticket to Germany, and they start fighting again until they're on the plane. They then sit down at watch the movie that's on in the front of the plane. They then reach Germany, and they start fighting again. They then fight their way into a small Nazi town with the Swastika flags everywhere. They then fight all the way into an old run down building. It is a type of concentration camp inside a building. They then fight into a giant oven)

Peter: (realizes it's a giant oven, and then kicks the chicken in the "giblets", and does a tai-kwan-do punch into the chickens chest)

Chicken: (falls backwards into the oven)

Peter: (Presses a button, and the door closes. There is a window there, and all you see are flames, then you see the chicken scratching at the door, then collapses)

Peter: (inhales the good smell of chicken cooking. Then remembers he has to get home before 'Who's the Boss' comes on. He then leaves.)

(The oven door opens when Peter leaves, and the chicken walks out)

Scene cuts to Meg at school

Meg: (in class)

Teacher: Meg, is that a new hat?

Meg: Yes. I bought yesterday with my mother.

Teacher: Your mother? How embarrassing! HAHAHA.

Class: (laugh's with the teacher at Meg)

Meg: (sighs)

Scene cuts to home, and Chris is sitting down watching Spongebob. Shows what's going on in the show

Spongebob: Uh-oh! Plankton is trying to steal the Crabby Pattie!

Plankton: You'll never get me now. (evil laugh)

Patrick: I'll get you, you son of a bitch!

Spongebob: Patrick? You can't swear. This is a kid's show!

Patrick: It's time I told you the truth Spongebob, I'm not really a starfish!

Spongebob: What?

Patrick: I'm not really a starfish!

Squidward: Then what are you, you bastard!

Patrick: I'm (takes off a costume) a starfish!

Spongebob: You bastard! I don't want to see you again.

Jerry Springer: Did you have any clue this was true Spongebob?

(Goes back to scene with Chris sitting on the couch with Lois)

Meg: (runs into the room) Mom! I need some friends. And fast!

Lois: Honey. You have friends. Remember the priest you were friends with?

(Flashback: Shows Meg sitting in the pews with a priest)

Meg: So, do you like… Seventeen?

Priest: Yes. I love seventeen year olds. How old are you?

Meg: Ummm… seventeen.

Priest: Can I molest you?

Meg: (looks shocked, and scared)

(Flashback ends)

Lois: And what about that Harold?

(Flashback: Shows Meg by herself)

Meg: Here Harold, would you like a piece of cake?

(nothing happens)

Meg: Harold, where are you going? Don't give me the finger. (cries)

(Flashback ends. The joke there was she had an imaginary friend who didn't like her)

Meg: Yea, but those guys turned out to be jerks. Can you take me clubbing tonight?

Lois: I'm a little busy dear. I have my hands full with Stewie. I'll get your father to take you out clubbing. Alright dear?

Meg: Alright mom. Thanks. (Gives her a hug)

(Writers note: I don't own anything here. Also, PLEASE REVIEW! Thank you)


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Chris is hitchhiking to Quahog. But he accidentally spelled Quahog. Instead, the sign reads Hog Town. A trucker pulls over. They start talking.

Trucker: Hi Boy. You look like some fresh meat. But why are you heading to New York?

Chris: New York? I'm heading to Quahog. (Looks at sign, and realizes it says Hog Town) Oh, sorry. I don't know how to spell.

Trucker: And…?

Chris: And what? Oh wait. (Thinks for a second) I'm not that fresh, I'm thirteen.

Trucker: Well, that's a mighty lucky number now isn't it? Hop in, I'll drive you to Quahog.

Chris: Thanks mister! You're awesome! You're more awesome than that time I almost drowned in the fountain.

(Flashback: Chris is walking towards a water fountain in the school hallway to get a drink, he then goes to take a drink. He pushes the button in, and the water explodes filling the hallway with water up to the ceiling. Shows Chris trying to breathe when he's under water, then a mermaid comes along and saves his life by opening a classroom door. That room is full of water. She goes and opens the window, and throws Chris outside. The water doesn't spill out somehow. She then closes the window, and Chris looks at her and smiles and waves to her. We can see her back, and she takes off her top and all you see is a bunch of hair waving around in the water from her chest. Flashback ends)

(Cuts to house: Lois is reading a magazine while Stewie is in his high chair.)

Stewie: Damn you vile woman. I shall remain in this high chair until you take me out! And I order you to take me out at once!

Lois: Awww, sweetie, that's not how you talk to mommy. It sounds like you need a nap!

Stewie: I do not need a nap, and I do not need that pacifier. If you come anywhere near me with that, I shall kill you! (The pacifier goes in his mouth, and he slowly falls asleep)

Brian: (Walks into room) Hey Lois, where's Peter at?

Lois: I don't know. He should be home any minute with Chris. They went to the Moon to relax.

Brian: Relax? All he does at work is sit on his ass and drink beer with his friends, and he needs to relax?

Lois: It's better than what you do at home all day.

(Shows what Brian does on a typical day)

Brian: (Wakes up from the foot of Peter's bed, and looks at the clock. It's 12:00. We can tell it's PM because it's bright outside. He then goes outside next to a tree, and uses the bathroom. He walks into the kitchen, and pours himself a cup of coffee. He sits down with his coffee, and reads the newspaper. He goes upstairs and lays in the wall way, and washes himself. He goes back down in the kitchen, and makes himself an alcoholic beverage. He goes into the computer room, and types on the computer for awhile. He is writing his story, and talking to some girl names BetsyisWetsy69 in a chat room. He goes back down stairs, and eats dinner. It is late, and he goes to bed on the foot of Peter's bed.)

(His day is over)

Well, I still do more than him. Besides the fact I sleep in, use the bathroom outside, read the newspaper, drink a coffee, and an alcoholic beverage, then write a story, and have cyber sex, I have a better day than Peter.

(Shows a typical day for Peter)

Peter: (on the boat with Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland) Alright, I got one, I got one! Which character from the Powerpuff Girls would you have sex with?

Quagmire: I would do Buttercup. Her name makes my pants gooey! OH!

Joe: Definitely Buttercup. She has beauty in her, that none of the others have.

Cleveland: I would do Mojo Jojo. He is the closest one that looks like Loretta.

Peter: What? Are you serious? You can't be serious. That's just sick! I always thought you would be into something else besides that! I mean, that's just disgusting. Buttercup? Jeez.

Quagmire: Well who would you have sex with?

Peter: I would have sex with Bubbles. I think the name would kind of tickle.

Quagmire: I never thought of it like that. I would have sex with Bubbles. Giggity giggity giggity goo!

(His day is over)

Lois: Well, you may be right, but at least he's planning on taking Meg clubbing when he gets home. Meg's been looking forward to it all day.

Brian: Where is Meg?

(Shows Meg in her room in front of the mirror)

Meg: (talking to herself in the mirror) Hi gorgeous. Who are you? Meg? Wow. What a beautiful name to go with such a beautiful face. Me? Awww. Thank you. (Kisses the mirror)

(Shows Peter walk in the front door of the house)

Peter: I'm home!

Lois: Hi Peter. What took you so long?

Peter: I got side tracked.

Lois: Where's Chris?

Peter: He'll be here any second. I wanted to race him, and see if I could beat him or not.

Lois: Did you win?

Peter: Do you see Chris?

Lois: He's right there! (Points to a truck dropping Chris off, and Chris has lipstick on. He sees Lois and Peter looking at him, so he rubs it off fast.)

Peter: Oh. I see.

Lois: Well, that doesn't matter. I told Meg you were going to take her clubbing tonight. Is that all right with you?

Peter: I can choose any club I want to choose right?

Lois: Yes. Just don't take her to any sleazy strip clubs this time.

(Flashback: Peter and Meg are in a strip club full of smoke)

Peter: Weeee! (starts talking to one of the strippers) Hey, hey. Take your top off for Chris here. He'd love to see your boobs.

Meg: DAD! I'm not Chris for the 357th time. I'm Meg!

Peter: Holy crap! Chris? How did you do that? You look and sound just like Meg.

(Flashback ends. Scene cuts to Peter and Meg in the car.

Peter: (Behind the wheel driving) Alright Meg, I'm going to take you clubbing. You're going to love it.

Meg: I can't wait to get to the Par.

Peter: The Par? What the hell are you talking about? I said I was going to get better than par. You know, a birdie? An eagle? An albatross?

Meg: What the hell are YOU talking about? Mom said we were going clubbing.

Peter: And we are, Meg. (Peter drives into something called 'The Klondike')

Meg: Dad? Why are we at a golf course?

Peter: We're going clubbing. We're going to take our clubs, and play some golf.

Meg: But DAD! I wanted to go out and meet some cool guys.

Peter: Oh! Well, I'm sure there are some cool guys here. Like over there. That's Professor Honeydoodle.

Meg: A teacher?

Peter: No. His first name is Professor. His parents accidentally had him, and they didn't like him since day one, so they called him Professor so he would get beat up when he was growing up.

(Flashback to Professor Honeydoodle's school years)

Professor: I say, I do like playing golf! Is anybody with me?

Student #1: Hell no. Why would we hang out with you?

Student #2: We'd be thrilled to… ummm… partake in this… uhhh… event. Yes. Ummm… quite!

Student #1: What are you doing? Oh… nevermind… I got you.

(Student #1 and #2 are beating Professor with his golf clubs)

(Flashback ends)

End of Chapter 7

Please Review people. I would love to make more chapters, but I need people to start reviewing. Also, I do not own any of the products or names in this story, and none of this is patent pended by me.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Peter and Meg are playing golf with Professor Honeydoodle. Chris is at home beating the Evil Monkey with a shoe horn

Chris: (laugh's) I'm beating the monkey. (Looks stunned) I don't get it.

(Continues to beat of the evil monkey)

(Lois and Stewie are in the living room. Lois is reading a magazine, and Stewie is watching television. The screen shows us what Stewie is watching. He is watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire)

Regis: For one million dollars, what is you? Is it a) me b) you c) them or d) us

Contestant: Umm… let me see here. I'm from Canada, so you is me. Final answer.

Regis: Oh I'm so sorry. The correct answer is true.

(Leaves television, and shows Lois putting her magazine down on the table)

Stewie: Hey, hey you. Woman. I demand that you change my diaper right away. It's like Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory down there.

Lois: Alright Stewie, but try and hold it in for god sake, you're like a pooping machine.

Stewie: How dare you call me a pooping machine? I am an infant, and I shall remain like this until the fat one teaches me to use the bathroom's facilities. Not like that incident we had last time.

(Flashback: Peter is changing Stewie)

Peter: Oh my, what a dirty, dirty diaper. Stewie, did you fall in mud or something?

Stewie: Are you really that stupid?

Peter: Oh my god. It stinks like crap. Were you at the farm or something?

Stewie: Ah, you blundering idiot. Is your original form before evolution a stapler? GOD!

(Flashback ends. Scene cuts to Meg and Peter on the 18th hole)

Meg: Alright, so what's the score?

Peter: (looks at score card and sees Meg is –31 and Peter is +23) You're –31 and I'm +23.

Meg: What does that mean?

Peter: You mean you don't know? I do! I win.

Meg: Oh. Alright, can you take me to a real club now?

Peter: Yes. Where do you want to go?

Meg: Quagmire told me about a cool place. Let's go there.

Peter: Alright. I hope it's not like that last club I was at in San Francisco.

(Flashback to Peter walking into a club called The Pink Flamingo. He walks in and there are a bunch of men dancing in a lit up room, almost like a disco club. All the men were wearing tight leather. One guy was dressed up like Macauley Caulkin from the movie Party Animal (in other words, a female nurse). Some guys were dressed up like cowboys, cops, Indians, and construction workers)

Peter: Hey, bartender, give me a Vodka Tonic.

Bartender: (hands Peter a vodka tonic)

Peter: (Takes a drink. Then looks around the room. His eyes get big) Oh my god. There is something not right here. This is just wrong. How can you men do this? It's just sick, and disgusting. There is no tonic in this. Enjoy your way of getting drunk, but I'm not one for plane vodka without the tonic. I'm out of here. Enjoy all your gay sex tonight with your boyfriend's fellas. (Walks out of bar)

(Flashback ends. Scene goes to Peter at the club Quagmire goes to)

Peter: Alright, get out of the car. Maybe this place will give me a proper vodka tonic.

(Meg and Peter walk into the club. They see Quagmire hitting on a girl)

Quagmire: Come on, wanna give it a shot?

Girl: I'm only sixteen.

Quagmire: Well, if you're old enough to bleed, you're old enough to butcher. Giggity giggity goo.

Girl: (Sprays Quagmire with mace)

Quagmire: All right!

Peter: (walks over to Quagmire) Hey Quagmire.

Quagmire: Hey Peter. Meg? How did you get in here, I thought they only let in women and men.

Meg: I'm a woman.

Quagmire: Yes you are, yes you are. Meg, you remind me of Lois. Wanna screw around?

Meg? (looks scared) What?

Quagmire: Wanna screw this off for me? (He reaches into his pocket slowly, and pulls out a bottle of wine really fast)

Meg: Oh. Alright!

Quagmire: Do it slow. Not too slow, but don't go too fast. You're going too… Meg, slow down, you're going too… (short pause, then Quagmire sigh's a sound of relief when Meg opens up the bottle) Ahhh. That was great Meg. Thanks.

Meg: Dad, look. It's Jeff, the nudist. I wonder what he's doing here. I thought he had a tennis game. (walks over to Jeff) Hi Jeff! I thought you had a tennis game to play.

Jeff: Hi Meg, I did but it got canceled for some reason. My opponent didn't show up for some reason.

Meg: That sucks, why didn't he show up?

Jeff: He got caught up playing with some fat ass and his daughter on the golf course over at the Klondike. Maybe you know him, his name is Professor Honeydoodle.

Meg: (looks shocked) Nope, never heard of him.

Jeff: Oh well. So what are you doing here?

Meg: I'm just trying to meet some guys. What about you.

Jeff: Same reason!

Meg: (looks shocked and scared)

Jeff: Oh, but for girls.

Meg: (looks relieved) Oh. I see.

Jeff: I met one cool girl, I think I'd like to ask her out.

Meg: (looks upset) Oh. Who is she?

Jeff: I'm talking to her right now.

End of chapter 8

(Author's note: I do not own any of the name used in this story, and the Klondike is not a real club to my knowledge. I would like to leave it open that if there IS a club called the Klondike, it was in no way referenced to that club. Also, the next Chapter will be the final chapter, and I will beginning a new chapter about Stewie)


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

This is the final chapter before my new story.

(Chris is in his bedroom sleeping, and then he starts screaming)

Chris: No you damn monkey. YOU, fall off and bang YOUR head. (then he talks lower) pizza, pizza pooh.

(Scene goes into Stewie's room, and he's sleeping in his crib. He talks as well in his sleep)

Stewie: Damn you ice cream, this is not the first time you disobeyed me isn't it. Isn't it. Huh? Rupert, go get the door, I'll get dressed.

(Scene then goes into Meg's room and Meg is sitting on the foot of the bed talking to Jeff (the nudist))

Meg: So Jeff, you really think I'm that attractive?

Jeff: Yea, can't you tell?

Meg: What are you talking a… oh my god. That grew kind of quick. It looks like a snake with a purple peach in it's mouth.

Jeff: I know. Do you want to fornicate?

Meg: You mean do I want to sleep with you?

Jeff: No. We can't have sex if we're sleeping.

Meg: but, my parents are right next-door, they'll definitely here us.

Jeff: Are you a screamer?

Meg: I don't know. I only had sex once, and it was with Jimmy Fallon, but I later found out that it was only a television sketch to get me in the sack. Remember that? It was Family Guy episode 404 titled: Don't Make Me Over. It was also the same episode where I got a make-over and we found out that Brian was a racist. And according to the T.V guide, Peter had a 1980's fixing stuff up montage.

Jeff: Yea, yea, yea. I remember. You don't need to remind me. You should have seen me when I watched that episode of Saturday Night Live.

(Flashback to Jeff watching that episode of Saturday Night Live. He is sleeping on a chair, in front of the television. He's snoring kind of loud, but you can here Meg say, "Wow, that was everything Lady's Home Journal said it would be." Flashback then ends)

(Scene cuts to Peter and Lois standing on their bed listening in on Meg and Jeff)

Lois: What did she say?

Peter: I think she's talking about that time I saved the world from a war that happened in the future.

Lois: That was Arnold Swarzzenegger from the movie "Terminator 2 and 3"

Peter: No. What about the first one?

Lois: He was the bad guy in that one, remember?

Peter: Oh yea.

(Flashback to Peter watching Terminator 1)

(Peter is sitting on the couch, and the screen shows us what Peter is watching)

Arnold: I am the Terminator. Ulgh. I am going to Terminate you for being a ULGH. Lugh blah lubby lou doo.

(Flashback ends. Cuts to scene to Meg and Jeff talking)

Meg: I'm sorry Jeff, I just don't think I should do this. It seems like a bad idea.

Jeff: I understand. I don't want to pressure you into something you're not ready to do.

Meg: Thanks Jeff. I hope we can still be friends.

Jeff: Of course. But, I better get going. Saturday Night Live is on, and they're going to do a classic skit of deflowering somebody on national television. Only this time it's going to be Anna Nicole Smith.

Meg: Anna Nicole Smith is a virgin?

Jeff: No. But the writers for Saturday Night Live are to stupid to realize that. Later Meg.

Meg: By Jeff.

(Scene cuts into Peter and Lois' room. Peter and Lois are under the covers playing around.)

Peter: Lois, my black are almost there.

Lois: So are my red. As a matter of fact…

Peter: You can't stick that there, it'll destroy me forever.

Lois: Too bad sucker. YOU LOSER! HAHA!

(Lois and Peter take the sheets off of them and they're playing 4 in a row)

Peter: (starts crying) I hate you. I'm never doing this with you ever again. I'm going to sleep Lois. Goodnight!

Lois: Awww, goodnight Peter. But I thought you were going to have a new look on life.

Peter: Oh yea. I guess I kind of did. I killed a giant chicken that was doing today's society no good. I went to Africa to help out Ethiopians, which I didn't do, and I helped Meg get over the fact that you can cut a rock on her face. In other words, she's ugly.

Lois: Hmmm, I guess you did have a change of heart.

Peter: And you know what else?

Lois: What's that Peter?

Peter: (Farts)

**The End**


End file.
